close to you.
i often mention that i do not remember.
i don't remember your face, how calmly, gently you looked at me. i don't remember how your large, warm hands surrounded mine. tall and thin, as you were, you always made me feel small. i don't remember how your gap hoodie smelled. i don't remember how i loved basking in you, clutching unto it though we were miles away. i don't remember wearing it to sleep, pushing away the fear of your smell vanishing to the back of my mind.
i don't remember...
i don't remember your words, "you're not fat," as you embraced me from behind; us looking into a mirror. i don't remember our shy steps leading to misoten. i don't remember you singing along to officially missing you, as you waited for me to finish eating. i don't remember your face anymore. i don't remember how your shoulders were crooked and edgy, and how perfect you seemed, still.
the places we went to are disappearing. popularity wanes, demands change. but, you- i cannot remember. i see you with her now. i feel nothing. i see you, but don't know you. sometimes, i can't remember. i forge on.
sometimes, i do remember. i remember suppressing a smile when your hands first wrapped around mine. i remember taking pictures of us, and thinking how weird we looked together. i remember sneaking kisses, nervously looking around if people saw. i remember holding your hand during animo night, and feeling so, so content and happy. if only then, did i feel one hundred percent.
i remember all the good things. and i still feel hurt, having so many but also having one bad memory that outweighs them all.
i have lost a lot of memories from before and after us. i wish i could lose us, too. but i remember, still. i remember, along with our kisses, hugs and held hands- how you finished everything with two words. we kissed beside our pool, we walked around the place i grew up, we dined with my parents, you met my siblings, we first kissed sloppily inside a taxi, you asked me to become your girlfriend at moa eye, you held my hand walking across moa's vast parking lots..
i could feel my heart threatening to burst. but now, i don't remember.